scathing movie reviews

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scathing movie reviews

Post by Swoosh on Wed Feb 11, 2015 12:24 pm

i have seen some horrible movies in my life, and i need a place to vent my hatred of them! so i thought to myself "why keep all this hatred just for me? lets share it with the world!"

and thus i make this thread so we can all throw all our flaming hatred and vitriol at movies that treat us like children, characters that have no common sense, science that makes no sense, and plots that make no sense what so ever

i have recently acquired a bunch of movies...many of which im expecting will make an appearance in this thread
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Re: scathing movie reviews

Post by Swoosh on Wed Feb 11, 2015 6:13 pm

so my placeholder wouldnt go away...so heres some highlights of me and mrjellopy watching transformers 4
SPOILERS N JUNK!!!!!!!


  • THEY KILLED RATCHET?! YOU DONT KILL RATCHET!!

  • Kelsey Grammer...how did you get dragged into this?

  • inventor has a forge, knows how to use it, yet still cant make a living, not even shoeing horses...IN TEXAS!!!

  • how does an inventor stay that buff? does he just lift heavy things and weld them together hoping it will be a robot?

  • WAS THIS WRITTEN BY A CHILD!?!

  • this movie is trying so hard to be dark that they murdered their only attempt at comic relief

  • guy carries around legislative laws saying he can date a minor... if that doesn't say creepy i don't know what does

  • so the CIA doesn't wipe their drones internal memory after a mission? wait why do the drones have internal memory at all... the CIA got sloppy

  • apparently the metal caused the mass extinction of dinosaurs "how and why, i cant say" THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW IT CAUSED THE GREAT EXTINCTION!? apparently its carbon dated to be around the same time frame...that's their evidence...it was there... SO WAS THE TYRANNOSAURUS! MAYBE IT CAUSE THE EXTINCTION EVENT!!

  • TRANSFORMIUM!? REALLY?! THAT WAS THE BEST YOU COULD THINK OF?!

  • we have this material we can anything into anything...so imma make some beatz by dre! look at my product placement! LOOK AT IT!!

  • wait...galvatron is man made? GALVATRON is MAN MADE?! no...no no no...NO! NO ! NOPE NONE OF THAT!!

  • relying on a minicon you are TORTURING to give you truthful translations of an alien language? ...BRILLIANT! cant go wrong, CEO of the year

  • so these new transformers turn into a cloud of particals to transform!? You bastards just got lazy!

  • why do the boyfriend and father suddenly get along? and why does he now approve of their relationship? must be due to all that bonding WE NEVER SAW

  • Chinese branch manager is basically a ninja...because racism?

  • HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAAAYYYYYYYY ... with dinosaurs!


wonderful dialog portion:
  • "my face is my warrant"

  • "what's that?" "some dumb inventor"

  • "this is shayne, and he drives, dad"

  • "i like to be fresh when im making out with yo daughter"

  • "you're so square! who even says smooching?" who even says square?

  • "HEY! THAT'S COMPANY PROPERTY!" in an attempt to stop autobots destroying the lab

  • "you're making human history here! innocent people die all the time" wait...you're trying to save human lives with this tech...right?


Last edited by Swoosh on Wed Feb 11, 2015 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Transformers 4: age of extinction

Post by Swoosh on Wed Feb 11, 2015 9:06 pm

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age of extinction

suffice to say that this movie is horrendously bad, the plot is riddled with holes, the dialog must have been written by a 5th grader, and the characters are so bland and forgettable that im pretty sure one of them was just a cardboard cutout animated with stop motion.

one glaring plot hole is that the entire CIA seems to have gone rouge, one of the main bad guys is a black ops CIA director, who not only doesn't tell his boss what his department is up to (his director is strangely ok with this) but also seems able to pull near limitless resources out of his arse in pursuit of his goals. not only does he not tell his boss what he is doing, but when the president demands a one on one interview to discuss his dealings, the guy says no... im sorry, but if you work for the government, you don't get to say no to the president demanding your presence on offical business! but in Bays little world, that is completely fine, no repercussions at all, here, HAVE MORE RESOURCES!!

another plot hole that nagged at me was optimus spending the first half of the movie slaughtering human soldiers, there is no way around it, he killed people. that would be fine, if 40 minutes in he claims that he took an oath never to kill a human being and he refused to break it! its like me saying i took an oath never to eat carbs or sugar again WHILST SHOVELING DONUTS INTO MY MOUTH!

those are just two instances where this movie urked me beyond measure, there are more! but i only have so much time! lets just say that the story could use some polishing, but even then, you can only polish a turd so much, and in the end, its still a just a polished turd.

lets move onto the cinematography!! yaaaaaayyyy

within the first few minutes we are already waist deep into two of Michael Bays fetishes, small town america and american flags. i swear its like he is trying to assault us with his patriotism, i understand loving your country, but he takes it to such a level that im starting to believe he is covering up a deep dark secret of illegally immigrating to the US by constantly screaming "IM AN AMERICAN! LOOK AT ALL THIS AMERICA RIGHT HERE! NO NEED TO LOOK CLOSER! AMERICA!".

shortly after all this, we find Bays third fetish...explosions. im all for a good explosion, they can be amazing when used well in movies... but with Michael Bay movies, i find myself bored with explosions before the half way mark... i didn't think that was possible!

anyway! that's mainly just the effects, the actual camera angles aren't all bad, there are some nice travelling shots, the action is kept primarily in focus (not too much camera shake) and most establishing shots seem rather well done... but im not really an expert there, so i could be talking out my arse.

characters...what can i say about the characters in Transformers 4... at least they aren't Shia Labeouf? lets have a brief look at some

Cade yeager: played by Mark Wahlberg. basically he is a failed inventor who will do anything to get his daughter through collage...except get a real job and pay for it. he is the stereotypical hollywood inventor, spends all his time inventing, forgets to eat, doesnt know what his kids up to, etc etc. my issue is with the fact that he is extremely buff for an engineer and when he picks up an alien weapon, he instantly knows how to use it and is the worlds best marksman

black ops CIA director: - played by Kelsey Grammer...poor poor Kelsey Grammer, how did they rope you into this. he is your basic CIA badguy,  has spent 25 years serving his country and now its time for him to get his retirement package...by murdering hundreds of people.

Tessa Yeager: vapid, stupid, boyfriend obsessed daughter of an eccentric inventor... she does nothing to help herself in this entire movie, she completely neglects her father in dangerous situations, favoring her boyfriend above all. one such example, she is hiding on the transformers ship, she keeps calling out for her father to help, father is basically being Rambo while her boyfriend keeps trying to convince him they should leave and actually surrenders to the enemy first chance he gets...she runs past her father (who just killed a bunch of robots to save here) and embraces her boyfriend, exclaiming she loves him for saving her

Shane Dyson: the aforementioned boyfriend, he is apparently a race car driver for redbull, and the movie REALLY wants us to believe he is irish...but considering his accent ranges from american to australian to scottish to irish to....something i cant figure out, i have a hard time believing them. he is also a spineless twat

Hound: aka john goodman-bot ... the only reason to watch this movie

bumblebee: bumblebee is shown to be the most amazing soldier ever, he is terrifying in battle (to the point of putting all other autobots to shame) and he commands the autobots while prime is in hiding, keeping a ragtag team alive and fighting back...yet no one gives him any respect for it, they even go out of his way to say he is a BAD fighter. its this lack of deserved respect that makes me able to forgive his toddler-esk tantrum halfway through the movie.

so in conclusion, this is a HORRIBLE movie...which is essentially harmless. yes its badly written, yes the dialog is clumsy at the best of times, yes the characters are one dimensional and exhibit little to no growth...but we have come to expect that. we know that these movies are going to be horrendous, but we still go because there are explosions and giant robots punching other (equally giant) robots. its a reason to turn off your mind and watch some pretty pretty explosions

2/10
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